Lonely

A few days ago I wrote four very dear friends of mine (three of which are far away), telling them I wish to continue to keep each of them as an intimate friend; that I didn't want my relationship with them to slide away. I mention this because I think it relates to what I feel now; a sort of precursor. I love my wife, dearly and desperately; this has little or nothing to do with her. I think it does have to do with my feeling of loneliness that is here, tonight. I like Colin, a lot, and hope to stay friends; and we have a lot we can talk about. I like Jim, and our weekly talking; he's one of the best of men that I know of. Yet I don't feel like I have a...how to word? ...intimate friend; someone, outside of Jennifer, that I feel like I am friends of friends with. And I think that this feeling is coming on top of the realization that in a few short months, Jennifer and I will be on our own; to reestablish brand new, which is cool, but without any of the people here...and I look at Matt B., Andy V., Doug O., all men I respect and care for, and I realize that 1) I don't really know any of them, don't ever hang out with any of them, don't do anything but “church” stuff with any of them and 2) what if one of them was someone I could REALLY be intimate with? And I've missed out on it now, it's too late now? I am starting to feel the loss of what could have been here in Athens; that in a short time, those I do know will be (practically speaking) gone, and I won't have a chance at those I don't; and all in all, I still long for some intimacy outside of my wife, a guy to be close with, that for whatever reason, it just “clicks” with... So I've been telling Jennifer for a LONG time now that if she wants an intimate friend, she needs to find one...so how do I take my own advice ans start? Should I even at this point? Bah, that's beyond the scope of this entry. I'm just sad, because I think I am starting to glimpse what Christs' community could be...and I don't want to be transient anymore, I want to be permanent, to grow with someone permanent, to not be afraid to invest into people because I'm leaving soon...and I really really want that community to be the people here. And yet...I trust in God, He has someone and someones in Columbus for us...but I still mourn the loss of Central and her people.

Leadership musings

So I know that leadership scares me; I know that I would much rather work behind or under someone, because there I can fix my mistakes; if I mess up, then I put in the extra effort to fix it, and things are fine. But no so in leadership; couple that fear with a consistent lack of discipline and I'm afraid you have, well, me. But I still don't feel like that is why I loath leadership so severely, because I look over my life the last five years, over the leadership positions I have been in both professionally (at least in academia) and privately (specifically, in my church), and while I still fall very short of where I could be, I see progress. I think it is the knowing that I have so much work yet to do, so much growing, that gets me. I gauge my life by where I "could" be; always looking to be the best I could be with what God has blessed me with, and what He is teaching me. And I think while I have improved with leading, I still could be so much more...and it tires and scares me.