Monday, March 17, 2008


A few days ago I wrote four very dear friends of mine (three of which are far away), telling them I wish to continue to keep each of them as an intimate friend; that I didn't want my relationship with them to slide away. I mention this because I think it relates to what I feel now; a sort of precursor. I love my wife, dearly and desperately; this has little or nothing to do with her. I think it does have to do with my feeling of loneliness that is here, tonight. I like Colin, a lot, and hope to stay friends; and we have a lot we can talk about. I like Jim, and our weekly talking; he's one of the best of men that I know of. Yet I don't feel like I have to word? ...intimate friend; someone, outside of Jennifer, that I feel like I am friends of friends with. And I think that this feeling is coming on top of the realization that in a few short months, Jennifer and I will be on our own; to reestablish brand new, which is cool, but without any of the people here...and I look at Matt B., Andy V., Doug O., all men I respect and care for, and I realize that 1) I don't really know any of them, don't ever hang out with any of them, don't do anything but “church” stuff with any of them and 2) what if one of them was someone I could REALLY be intimate with? And I've missed out on it now, it's too late now? I am starting to feel the loss of what could have been here in Athens; that in a short time, those I do know will be (practically speaking) gone, and I won't have a chance at those I don't; and all in all, I still long for some intimacy outside of my wife, a guy to be close with, that for whatever reason, it just “clicks” with... So I've been telling Jennifer for a LONG time now that if she wants an intimate friend, she needs to find how do I take my own advice ans start? Should I even at this point? Bah, that's beyond the scope of this entry. I'm just sad, because I think I am starting to glimpse what Christs' community could be...and I don't want to be transient anymore, I want to be permanent, to grow with someone permanent, to not be afraid to invest into people because I'm leaving soon...and I really really want that community to be the people here. And yet...I trust in God, He has someone and someones in Columbus for us...but I still mourn the loss of Central and her people.


paul said...

Yea, good post. I wonder what intimacy looks like to you. I think of lot of time when we think of having that deep relationship (a soulish connection) we have in our minds a community that is not realistic.... or at least is very rare. I think friendships in college are different... and perhaps deeper on some levels given the time you have to form them. Marriage, jobs, kids... can make relationships more complex. But its strange... I have good friends. More so than any other time in my life. But often the day in day out community is not all that compelling. This is not making ANY sense, but I'm going to post it anyway. Maybe it will make sense later.

Rabbit-tracking Husband said...

It does make sense; I think you mentioned what I was feeling and trying to say at the end. I feel like in the past (when I was younger) I have had that sort of "day in day out" community; I wonder what that would look like now, as an adult relationship.